Dear diary, I promise...

Dear diary,

I promise starting today I will be a better person. Just in general, it's a Monday and hey why not. Being better is a decent goal, eh? What do I mean better? Specifically I will follow the model my fellow 25 year olds on the right wing side of the aisle use, let me explain:

-Will I enlist in the army to help shore up troop levels for the war I supported that was based on lies. No. But I will call liberals cowards and encourage poor kids to join. This is how I can best serve my country.

-Will I stop drinking, gambling, having sex and doing drugs. Of course not, but I will say I don't do any of those things, sit through church service, vote for moralist candidates and pretend I'm above devilish vices like those I actually do partake in.

-Will I give more money to charities and volunteer time to those less fortunate than myself. Ha! Fuck no. Poor people are lazy, it has nothing to do with the disadvantaged homes they grew up in compared to the top notch benefit laden surburban paradise where I was raised. Nothing. I will however contribute large sums of the green stuff to politicians who promise to lower my taxes, cut public service funding, disban entitlement programs and get rid of the public school system.

-Will I spend more time reading the news and researching topics before getting in arguments where I can make up my own mind. No, but I did stay at a Holiday Inn last night and listened to six hours of Ann Coulter and Sean Hannity who tell me everything I need to know. The media is liberally biased, I need straight shooters like Coulter and Hannity to tell me the truth.

-I will start going to the gym.

-I will no longer visit porn sites like parentstv.org, which has the best soft core content around. This conservative family group documents every sexy scene on television and formats it into handy quicktime viewable clips that I can watch over and over and over again. You will be missed because who has time to watch all of the Real World episodes when I could catch just the good stuff here.

You know what, I feel better all ready. I feel that God has lifted a tremendous wait off my shoulders, he is smiling at how I am going to change my life. We all know God hates liberals and how they lead their lives, that's why he madeBush President in these trying times. No longer will I be going to hell, whew, that was close. Come join me on my journey and save yourself.